


Empty Shelves

by BlazersEtc



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, lots of feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-21 22:56:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13153773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazersEtc/pseuds/BlazersEtc
Summary: Jace Wayland does not know what love is. He's always wondered what it would be like to love and be loved in return but it seems that the universe has other ideas...or has he really just been blind to the love he already had?





	Empty Shelves

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Emmybazy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmybazy/gifts).



> So first off I'd like to apologize for this being posted so late. I've been working non-stop and I've managed to get sick once again and I wanted the characterization to be perfect for this so I've been taking forever! I wanted to get the right mix of angst and fluff so hopefully, this is the mix you were looking for! [And I apologize in advance for any missed tenses changes/typos. I'm not very coherent atm.]

Jace was used to being used.

  
From birth, Jace had been a pawn, an object to someone else's master plan. He'd been ripped away from his parents and trained in secret to be a weapon, being broken down day after day by the man who was supposed to care for him, until he became exactly what he was groomed to be. He was never truly able to be himself, not until he was brought to live at the New York Institute.

  
It was weird to have a room to himself, one that was warm and had a comfortable bed that took up a decent chunk of the room. One that housed walls of empty shelves for his things. Jace didn't have any of this own things, but Alec told him that he'd have books and weapons soon enough, and then he could start filling his shelves with them. Jace hadn't believed him at first, after all, a room with a private bathroom and endless space for displaying things, his own things that he didn't have to share, seemed impossible.

  
A few years later, Jace found that while it wasn't impossible to fill the shelves in his room, it was impossible to exist without feeling like one of those things that decorated them; there to take and use when needed and then discarded only a few moments later until they were needed again. 

One night, long past his and Alec's bedtime, Jace had snuck into the kitchen for a snack. Being a growing teenager meant he was hungry all of the time and since his nightmares had been keeping him awake into the early morning hours, he'd grown hungry since dinner. The sound of two adult voices floated through the kitchen doorway, causing Jace to freeze in place in the hallway. 

  
"We made the right choice, taking Jace in. Alec needed a friend his own age and Izzy finally has someone to spar with." Robert's voice was firm, a tone that Jace only heard when Robert was truly upset about something, and Jace wondered how long he and Mayrse had been fighting.

  
"Alec could easily make friends with the other children and Izzy has Alec. We took him in because we needed the odds in our favor. You have to have noticed how differently we were treated after we took him in, the Clave finally got off our backs!"

  
"We took him in because _he was my parabatai's son_!" Robert argued, "He had no where to go and our institute had space and children his age."

  
Mayrse huffed and rolled her eyes, "No matter the reason, he's here and the Clave is considering putting us back in charge. That's what matters."

  
Jace couldn't listen to anymore, with an upset stomach he fled back to his room and closed the door.

**************

  
Jace didn't know what love was. Sure he'd seen movies, read books and poems, and many of his musical works were inspired by love; but Jace didn't know what it was like to truly experience. Sex was familiar to him, he had encounters with fairies, vampires and even a mundane or two; but all of those exchanges had been out of lust, a carnal need to satiate an itch....They had never been about love.

  
When he met Clary, he thought maybe things had finally changed. Clary made him feel different, like he was swimming in a pool of sunshine and warmth. He felt intrigued by her uniqueness and the way she seemed to cling to his side made him feel truly needed and the longer he was around Clary, the more the feeling intensified. Jace thought he might finally be falling in love, after so long of thinking he wasn't needed, there was Clary, desperately in need of a guide and a person to trust. But as time went on Jace started to realize that it wasn't him that Clary needed, it was his skills and knowledge. His ability to help her in her quest find her mom, to make her feel safe until she got what she wanted and then....then he was no longer needed. And when she started dating The Vampire, Jace knew that he'd been right. 

  
**************

  
Jace knew better than to sleep with people he sees on a regular basis, or at least those he sees more than once; After all it could create too many complications. So when he finds himself pressed into a wall outside the Hunter's moon, he knows he's making a mistake. He's lonely and he wants to feel wanted.

  
"This doesn't mean anything." Maia says as she kisses him and the only thing echoing through Jace's mind is ' _it never does_ '.

  
**************

  
Jace stared up at his ceiling silently. It had been a long couple of months and with the night's earlier events he couldn't find it in himself to relax much. The pain he'd been feeling was excruciating and after the episode outside the Hunter's Moon he'd made a beeline for his room at the institute, hoping to be able to suffer away from prying eyes. 

  
"Jace?" A quiet, familiar voice floated through the air, effectively breaking the silence.

  
Jace turned his head slightly in greeting but didn't say anything in reply causing Alec to close the door behind himself. "You okay? I felt through the bond-"

  
"Yeah, I'm fine. How was your talk? Did you make up with Magnus?" Jace was quick to deflect and Alec notices without missing a beat, but he decides to humor Jace anyway.

  
"We talked." Alec laid down on the bed beside Jace, looking up at the ceiling, mirroring his parabatai. "But we didn't make up. You know....he didn't even apologize? He sided with _Valentine_...and he didn't even think he needed to apologize."

  
_What a dick._ Jace thought, though he didn't say anything outloud, only nodding in response. 

  
"I don't think I can be with someone who thinks that everyone else should grovel for his forgiveness but then never apologize himself when he is in the wrong. I won't spend my life walking on egg shells and begging for forgiveness every time I'm not agreed with." Alec turned his head to look at Jace, curious to see his Parabatai's reaction, but Jace just nodded, offering no further comment.

  
"We agreed to stay friends."

  
"Well that's good." Jace fell silent again, eyes trained on the ceiling and Alec propped himself up on one arm, turning to look at Jace.

  
"Jace, what's bothering you?"

  
"Nothing, Alec. I'm fine. It's just been a long day."

  
Alec's eyebrows rose and he shook his head, "Bullshit. I know you, Jace. There is something you're not telling me. I won't press you to talk if you're not ready but you're not fine, Jace."

  
Jace turned his head to look at Alec. Alec who had been the first kid his own age he'd ever seen, who'd given him a tour of the institute and calmed his nerves, reassuring Jace that he would like it here, that he would flourish here. Alec who had shown up to their parabatai ceremony, when Jace was sure no one would waste their time binding their soul to someone who was as damaged as he was. Alec who didn't bat an eye before he stepped into the circle and spoke the words that would bind their souls for life. Alec who covered for him when he snuck out of the institute and made excuses for him the next morning when he showed up hungover with hickeys on his neck. Alec who put everything on hold to find him when Valentine kidnapped him and abuse him on his ship. Alec who had _died_ for him. Alec had always been there for him, no matter what Jace had done and never expected anything in return. In fact, Jace knew his parabatai felt bad for wanting things in return that he couldn't have. He didn't selfishly try to force Jace into returning the feelings, or make Jace feel guilty that he didn't feel the same, he didn't make digs at him or act like he was owed anything; instead he felt like he was wrong for having feelings for someone else, because he thought those feelings made Jace unhappy.

  
It was like a veil had been lifted and suddenly Jace was seeing everything clearly. When everyone else had only kept Jace around to use him, to get things from him and toss him away, Alec had always been there, selflessly, never demanding anything from Jace. Alec was the one thing Jace could always count on, his safe haven, the reason that Jace had any indication of what love was.

  
_Love_. It was something that had eluded Jace for longer than he could remember. Jace wasn't sure he'd ever truly known love, there had been lust and even some crushes here and there but love....love had escaped him. 

  
_Love._ The word hit Jace like a bag of bricks, echoing in his mind, because it wasn't his father or Clary or his one night stands that showed him love, it was Alec. Alec was the one thing Jace equated with the word and now, looking at Alec's face, open and supportive Jace knew what love was.

  
"I...I love you." Jace's voice was breathy and in awe, his eyes darting across Alec's face searching for what had lead to the revelation so suddenly. Alec on the other hand just looked confused, as if he were looking at a stranger who was spouting nonsense.

  
"And I love you, we're parabatai." Alec hated those words when they had come from Jace's mouth just two months ago, they reminded him of everything he could never have, but now they seemed to be the only thing left to hide behind. The only thing he could use to remind himself, and Jace, that he wouldn't act on his feelings. " What does this have to do with-"

  
Alec didn't get to finish his sentence because Jace was surging forward to press his lips against Alec's, strong and passionate. Alec froze in place, stunned, and when Jace pulled back Alec was blinking at him looking dazed and confused. Jace waited, expecting an outburst of some sort, whether it was yelling about rules or stammering in shock; but he wasn't prepared for the silence.

  
"Alec?" Jace was shaking, nerves taking over completely. Alec didn't answer instead he moved forward, almost knocking Jace into the mattress in his eagerness to kiss his parabatai back, their lips molding to each others as Jace relaxed into the kiss. It was everything Alec had dreamed of and everything Jace had been missing and when they pulled back just enough to breathe, it was like the universe finally made sense again.

  
"Where did-?" Alec's voice cracked, pulling back just enough to look at Jace's face, eyes searching for what had changed between them.

  
"I....you'r always there, Alec. Whenever I need something, you're always there. No questions, no deals, no tally's or scores, you're just...there. Reminding me that love is possible, that my father was wrong, to love isn't to destroy, it's to make something stronger. I always feel safe with you, comfortable, like I don't have to worry when I'm with you." Jace brought his hand up to cup Alec's cheek, thumb gently caressing the skin there. "I'm sorry it took me so long to realize."

  
Alec grinned, his smile lighting up his entire face as he looked back at Jace, happiness radiating from him so strongly that Jace could feel it through their bond. "I never stopped loving you." Alec reached for Jace's hand, resting them on his stomach as he looked up at Jace. "I tried. I really did. I thought...I thought that Magnus and I, that maybe we could make it work. That I could move on and be with someone else, but....it was never the same. I cared about Magnus but...I never loved him, not like I love you."  
Jace smiled down at Alec, feeling as if he had everything to say and yet no words would come. "I'm sorry I was such an idiot. I should have realized what I was feeling..."

  
Alec shook his head, "Don't. Feeling are...confusing. They don't make sense even when you try your hardest to sort them out and make them make sense. I'm just glad you feel the same way."

  
Jace's grin widened, moving his hand to tangle gently in Alec's curls, "I do."

  
Both boys stayed silent for a moment, simply getting lost in the other's eyes and letting the realization sink in that they were both together, both feeling the same way about each other; even if it had taken a long time for Jace to realize it.

  
"The Clave...they'll never allow it." Alec's voice was quiet, smile falling as the reality of their situation seemed to sink in.

  
"We'll figure it out. The Clave be damned. After everything they've done...I don't trust them. I won't let their rules decide who I get to love." Jace's tone was firm, determined in a way that gave Alec chills. If Jace thought they could do it, then maybe, just maybe, they could find a way to make this work.

  
"If aught but death part thee and me." Alec said quietly, his smile sliding back onto his face.

  
Jace's grin widened and he leaned close, lips brushing gently across Alec's. "If aught but death part thee and me, indeed."

  
Jace pressed his lips against Alec's and for the first time in his life, Jace understood what it was like to love and be loved in return. 


End file.
